Oh, jeebus. have you ever passed by a stray cat, missing one eye and bereft of most of its fur, and thought “Oh, you poor thing!” and taken it home? Or seen a perfectly run-of-the-mill jerk and thought “Gee, he seems interestingly broken, my love will HEAL HIM!” and done the same? Or decided that a total teardown is your “fixer-upper”? Well, that’s the way I feel about this dress.

I can’t even begin even a half-hearted apologia for the collar, so let’s pass over it in silence. nor for the sleeves, which seem to be fashioned expressly to let your upper-arm bingo wings run free and frolic. The skirt looks like they drew it up from a 1940s fabric-rationing guidebook–this much and not one inch more! but even if I took off the collar, narrowed the sleeves, and fattened up the skirt, it would still look like something that would get you mistaken for one of the housekeeping staff in a nicer hotel.

I’m sure my feelings for this dress are all about the pockets, with additional subliminal influence from the shoes in the illustration, which I covet fiercely. and a little bit because the women wearing these things look like they are just one sneering look from passers-by away from becoming a girl gang, on the model of Charlie’s Angels. Obviously. I mean, they have the brainy brunette (ringleader and commandant, as she is central), the ditsy blonde (you can tell, because she’s looking in the wrong direction and wearing blue gingham) and the exotic and feisty person of color (who despite being EXOTIC! and OF COLOR! has unthreateningly Caucausian features). notice how the brunette has to hold her back, lest she open up her can of whoop-ass prematurely.

Luckily, I very rarely give in to the “it’s-broken-I-must-fix-it” impulse nowadays. If you want to offer this pattern comfort, click on the image and pay your $4 on eBay. I think I will just go watch some buttkicking women on TV (Buffy, Alias, old Doris Day movies–what? she does metaphorical buttkicking, and has better clothes!) and look for two-tone platform oxfords online.

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